


Comedic Cocks

by charlottefrey



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage is a noisy lil bitch, College AU, Kylo keeps chickens just for me to able to make cock-jokes, Lilander; Uai and Minty made me do it, M/M, Modern AU, Neighbours AU, Phasma is done, Smut, Thanisson is sass master, The Internet Made Me Do It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24810748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottefrey/pseuds/charlottefrey
Summary: Armitage's neighbour and fellow student keeps chicken. But only when Kylo gets a cock things are escalating and Armitage tries to take some action.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo, Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	Comedic Cocks

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back with another shameless smut OS. 
> 
> This time it's Discord again who brought this brilliant idea to my doorstep. Many thanks to Lilander, Uai and Minty for building this idea! I hope it lives up to ya'll expectations. 
> 
> Another chapter (the last one) for Transversal Trains will come soon!

“Your cock is too big,” a female voice says in the neighbours garden. 

Armitage lowered his book and arched his eyebrow. Eyeing the thin wooden wall separating the two small strips of burnt lawn he wonders what exactly is going down on the other side

He knew the guy who lived next door. They coincidentally sit in the same math lecture and had some labs together. Kylo is exactly the kind of guy Armitage wants to climb shamelessly. He looks like a brick shithouse and always ready to murder someone. 

Also Armitage just _knew_ that Kylo wasn’t in any way ready for any of the exams coming up. 

“Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing?” Kylo asks. 

Rolling his eyes harder than he had ever done, Armitage sets his book aside. It wouldn’t hold his interest, not when there’s a conversation to eavesdrop on. 

“You’re trying to shove that massive thing in here?” The girl sounds condescending. 

“Yes, got any objection to that?” 

“I actually do. Damnit Kylo, that’s animal cruelty!” 

Armitage frowned. _Animal cruelty_ , where the hell did that come from? Was the girl referring to herself as an animal? 

“I’m not giving him back. They would’ve turned him into soup!” Kylo laments. “And the chicks love him!” 

Taking a deep heaving breath. He knew that Kylo kept chickens. He didn’t mind that they were there since occasionally, Kylo dropped some eggs off at his doorstep, being the next door neighbour and all. 

But a rooster is a bit of a stretch. 

  
  
  


Twiddling the pen in his fingers, Armitage feels close to bursting. 

How could a grown man be this stupid? Granted he might be talking from a very privileged standpoint. His father had been relentless in hiring more and more tutors for Armitage during school. But Kylo really was dumb as shit. 

“How often do I have to explain this to you?” Armitage throws the pen down. “Seriously bitch?” 

“Man, I’m not smart like you?” Kylo snaps back. 

A girl sitting on the table next to them turns around. Over her shoulder Armitage spots something that looks like a picture small intestines and he immediately tore his eyes off the screen. Her hair looks like a mess and she’s clearly running on spite and coffee. 

“Dude, we’re in the fucking library. Shut up,” she growls before turning back to her own work. 

“Okay,” Kylo pulls a face and looks at Armitage with raised eyebrows. 

“She’s a med student, I would leave her alone,” he replies. “And get back to the mock exam for Christ’s sake!” 

“Why do we have to do this in the library?” Kylo whines. 

“I swear to God!” Armitage pinches the bridge of his nose. “Can you for one damn minute just drop it?” 

“We could to this at home, sitting in the garden with a goddamn fridge just a few steps away and you insist we do this in the smelly, cramped and stuffy library!” 

Armitage wants to slam his hands on the table. Or Kylo’s face. He does neither and knows he deserves a damn medal for his restraint. 

“Fine, just not tonight. I have other stuff to do,” Armitage packs his things and looks at Kylo. “What about the weekend?” 

“Nah, I’ll be out, but Monday works for me.” 

“Monday it is,” Armitage stands up and looks at Kylo. “Are you not coming?” 

“I… I have some more stuff to do,” Kylo says and his lips twitch weird. 

Armitage arches his eyebrow and nods. 

“See you on Monday then. Text me when you have time,” Armitage nods one last time and heads towards the exit.

On his way out he turns sneakily to glance back at Kylo and startles at what he sees. There is no mistake in the bulge between Kylo’s legs and even though the other man tries to hide it with his books and bag, it’s not working.

He can clearly see through Kylo’s loose hanging shorts just how _big_ the other man is. And how _hard_ too. 

“Oh well,” he mutters to himself. “That’s something then.” 

  
  
  


It’s summer and five in the morning. It’s the weekend and only three weeks until the finals start. 

Armitage doesn’t want to be awakened by a crowing rooster and his nine hens. Never in his entire life he had expected to wish murder upon an animal so badly. He’s itching to call Kylo to yell at him how loud his damn pet is, but he can’t really find it in himself. 

But who _calls_ people these days?

Rolling over in his bed, Armitage sighs. Not that he and Kylo are friends in any way after all. Kylo merely asked for Armitage’s help with the upcoming math exam and Armitage had agree for a non-classified favour later. 

That’s the extent of their friendship. 

“Whatever,” Armitage grumbles and shoves his face into his pillow, hellbent on ignoring the fucking bird next door. 

  
  
  


The faceless cement block that houses the city council looks uninviting, especially in the late afternoon heat. Wiping the sweat off his brow, Armitage steps into the building through the main door. The lady at the front desk looks just about as motivated as Armitage feels. He get direction to the Animal Welfare office and heads up two flights of stairs. 

When he finally reaches the right floor, he’s drenched in sweat almost and hates everything. The door the the Animal Welfare office is open and he can see two men chatting. 

As he enters, he immediately gets the attention of both of them. 

“Hello,” he says with a nod. “I’m here to report my neighbour for animal cruelty.” 

“Are you?” The man behind the desk replies. 

On the back of his computer screen a taped on slip of paper says _T. Thanisson_. 

“Yes, he’s been keeping chicken for the last few weeks and I think they don’t have enough space.” 

“Aha,” Thanisson tilts his head. “Chickens.” 

“Don’t you think it would be better just to leave it like it is?” The other man, whose nameplate states _D. Mitaka_ , says with a shrug. “If he’s feeding them there should be no issue.” 

“But the damn rooster makes a fucking racket all morning!” Armitage insists. 

He notices that Thanisson is pressing a button on the intercom. Maybe he’s recording this interaction or something, but Armitage couldn’t care less. Until the door on his right opens and an honest to god amazonian warrior steps into the room. 

She’s tall, taller than Armitage and her arms are thicker than his legs could ever dream to be. The only reason he can judge that is the fact that she’s wearing a sleeveless grey blouse that’s unbuttoned so far that he can see her lacy bralette. For a brief moment he wonders if that might violate some regulations, but then the lady speaks. 

“You have a cock problem?” She asks in a deep, smooth voice. “Why don’t you describe those cock noises in detail?” 

Thanisson and Mitaka start giggling and Armitage wants to murder her. Not that he would stand a chance against her and her insanely large body, but he’d give it his best shot. 

“Do you take your job seriously?” 

“I take my job seriously, but I am not bothered about someone keeping a few chickens for the eggs in his backyard. Now please leave.” 

She steps forward and the long blood red skirt swishes against her ankles and over her flat sandals. If she were a little less imposing and if Armitage had a little more balls, he would’ve starting yelling at her. 

But with the way things were he is simply reduced to huffing and leaving the office. 

The door falls shut behind him and he hears the three on the other side laughing their asses off. Steaming, not only from the oppressive heat, Armitage returns home.

  
  
  


“Kylo…” Armitage slamms his hands down. “Put that damn phone away or I will bind your hand to the table!” 

But Kylo is too engrossed in what was on his phone to really hear Armitage. Leaping over the rickety table in Kylo’s backyard Armitage grabs for the item in Kylo’s hand. And massively overestimates the table’s balance and weight. It goes flying to the side along with both their bottles, all their supplies and Armitage’s beat up books. 

And Armitage lands almost face first in Kylo’s crotch. 

“Can you tell me why you’re hard _again_?” Armitage snaps, holding onto Kylo’s massive thighs as he sits back up again.

“Again?” Kylo asks weakly. 

“Yes,” Armitage sits back in his seat. “ _Again_. I saw it the last time I helped you study.” 

“Uhm…” Kylo looks panicked. “Ah…” 

Armitage blinks at him and smiles aggressively. 

“You… Kind of turn me on?” Kylo says tentatively. “But… I like, don’t expect anything? You’re just so hot… When you tell me how things work? You’re really bossy?” 

Now Armitage tilts his head in surprise. That he hadn’t expected. 

“If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s cool, I’ll just find another tutor for me.” 

“Kylo,” Armitage says gently. “If the merchandise is as good as I can tell from through your jeans, there’s no problem.” 

Kylo snaps his mouth shut and just stares at Armitage now. 

“Get your ass inside and get the lube if you have any. And something to wrap that big boy up,” Armitage orders. “I’ll clean this up.” 

A kid is having a tantrum in an alley nearby and fills the gaping silence between them. Then suddenly, Kylo scrambles to stand and hurries inside. Armitage smirks and reaches out to gather up their things and righten the table. 

When he gets inside and into the bedroom, he catches Kylo taking his shirt off. 

“Is that a ‘I love mom’ tattoo?” He asks and rubs a finger of the red and black ink on Kylo’s shoulder. 

“Yeah… I’m a momma’s boy,” he says sheepishly. 

“Cute,” Armitage chuckles and pulls Kylo close by his belt. “Kiss me.” 

Kylo blinks and then suddenly grins. He grabs Armitage and holds him close, one hand on the back of Armitage’s neck and the other one on his ass. Armitage gasps and Kylo uses the chance to plunge his tongue in. It’s sloppy and passionate and little uncoordinated, but Armitage lives for it. 

Only when he gets a cramp in the lower part of his back, he gently eases Kylo off. Both are heavily panting now and Armitage is harder than he’s ever been in his entire life. He pulls his own shirt off and shucks his pants, Kylo following his example. 

When they’re both naked, he reaches out for Kylo’s cock. 

“I wanted to call the authorities on your cock,” Armitage says as his fingers run over Kylo’s dick. “Not this one, the one outside,” he clarifies after Kylo’s confused look. 

“And?” Kylo asks breathless and jerks his hips forward.

“They didn’t take me serious and sent me home. I was furious. But now I’m glad I couldn’t report you because then we wouldn’t be doing this,” Armitage grins. 

Kylo only smirks and steps back away from Armitage to lie down on the bed. He motions Armitage to follow and reaches for the lube. 

“How are we gonna do this?” Armitage asks as he sits down on Kylo’s thighs.

“Well,” Kylo mutters. “I could rim you… Or not. Judging by your face you’re not into that.” 

“Not while sweaty and only if I douched before. But then, yes,” Armitage said. “What’s the other option.” 

“You could sit on my chest with your lovely ass facing me and while I open you up, you can get up close and familiar with my cock. It won’t peck you,” Kylo winks. 

Arching his eyebrow Armitage rolls his eyes. But without hesitation he moves into position. 

Gentle hands make him lean forward a little and he holds on to Kylo’s knee while his other hand softly touch Kylo’s dick. It’s burning in his hand and he feels the smooth skin, but when he rubs his fingers over the length it catches a little. 

“Give me some,” Armitage reaches behind where Kylo has just opened the bottle of lube.

A dollop is squeezed into his hand and he returns his attentions to Kylo’s dick. The man underneath him jerks up when the cool liquid touches his overheated skin. 

“Jesus!” Kylo rasps out. “That’s cold.” 

“We’re going to be hot in not time,” Armitage replies nonchalantly when suddenly two fingers, both coated in lube, rub at his entrance while Kylo’s other hand pushes his left cheek aside. “Oh god.” 

“Do you now understand?” Kylo asks and Armitage can _hear_ the stupid smirk in his voice.

“Oh shut up and get to work!” Armitage grinds out and runs his nails over Kylo’s dick. 

He gets a curse and a violent thrust upwards in reply. Kylo unceremoniously shoves one finger into Armitage’s hole. Armitage hisses under his breath and presses the ad of his thumb against the crown of Kylo’s dick. 

“This is the most violent foreplay I’ve ever had,” Kylo says and pours more lube over his finger as he works it into Armitage. “I love it.” 

“Really?” Armitage chuckles. “Because there’s more where this came from.” 

Kylo laughs and pushes a second finger in and for one brief moment Armitage can only moan as the rough knuckles catch on his rim. 

“You seem to be into it too,” Kylo humms gently and his free hand begins to rub circles into Armitage’s skin.

Armitage only chuckles and pushes back against Kylo’s hands. Another finger is added and then a fourth after a short while. At some point Armitage has abandoned his attempt at a handjob and now leans heavily on Kylo’s leg to lever himself against Kylo’s hands. 

“I think you’re more than ready,” Kylo smacks Armitage’s ass while is fingers are still in.

Arching up, Armitage feels like he’s about to lose consciousness. 

“Did someone like that?” Kylo sounds delighted before smacking the other cheek with the back of his hand. 

“Oh yes,” Armitage glances over his shoulder and smirks. 

Licking his lips he grinds back against Kylo’s hand and sighs softly closing his eyes. The shaky breath Kylo takes shows just how desperate the other man is. 

“Why don’t you get a move on?” He asks cheekily. “My ass ain’t one for waiting.” 

Kylo laughs and suddenly shoves Armitage forward as he sits up. Pulling his hand free, He smacks Armitage’s ass with both hands in quick succession. 

“Are you being a little bitch?” Kylo asks sharply. 

“You only notice that now?” Armitage asks with a laugh, face shoved into the soft blanket. 

Kylo only rolls his eyes and reaches for the side table where a condom lays waiting. Armitage turns halfway to watch Kylo pull the condom over his dick. 

“How do you want me?” He asks when Kylo is done with the condom. 

“Just the way you are right now.” 

Kylo pulls his legs out under Armitage and kneels behind him. Licking his lips, Armitage inhales deeply when Kylo spreads his cheeks. He looks strong with the way he moves and in the low light coming through the halfway closed blinds he looks even hotter. A slight sweat shines on his skin and Armitage wants to see him like that every day. 

Kylo gently blows down on Armitage’s ass and the other man moans into the duvet. Kylo chuckles and rubs his dick over Armitage’s hole, teasing the other man. 

“Fucking hell, why don’t you stick it in!” Armitage snaps, losing his patience completely. 

Growling, Kylo sinks in with one punishing thrust and Armitage outright screams as he arches up. 

Kylo uses that opportunity to get a hold of Armitage’s body to press against his. Armitage shudders at that, legs getting impossibly more stretched as he sits in Kylo’s lap. Joined at the hips, they move in tandem with Kylo thrusting into Armitage gently and shallowly. Gasping, Armitage lets his head fall back onto Kylo’s shoulder and closes his eyes. 

Kylo’s hot breath rushes over his neck and chest. 

Armitage sighs when a hot, wet mouth lands right under his chin to lick the heated skin. Armitage’s moans are deep and Kylo growls when a particularly long one makes his throat vibrate. Reaching back Armitage rests one hand on the side of Kylo’s hips and digs another one into the sweaty mob of hair on Kylo’s head. 

Kylo stops moving and bites down on Armitage’s throat. His teeth rub harshly over the unmarred skin and Armitage sighs, turning his head a little towards Kylo. His lips brush over Kylos’ ear and Kylo releases Armitage’s throat. 

“God you already look so wrecked,” Kylo whispers, voice rough and dark. 

“All thanks to you,” Armitage says weakly. “Do you know who you’re reminding me of?”

“No.” 

“Ardeth from Mummy one and two,” Armitage whispers. “Even though you’re not a hot arabic warrior, but the _hair_ ,” he sighs. 

“Thanks I guess?” Kylo grins and kisses Armitage deeply. “You look like the hot ginger twink from a porno recently watched,” he says with a smirk. 

“Oh shut up,” Armitage rolls with his eyes. “Way to ruin the mood.” 

“Sorry, I couldn't think of a hot red head that makes me wanna go all night,” Kylo replies, looking too delighted or his own good 

“You know that you’re all talk and no action right now?! Armitage asks. 

He gets proved wrong when Kylo suddenly thrusts up into him, shaking Armitages whole body. Armitage loses hold of Kylo’s hair and tries to hold on with both hands to Kylo’s hips. Kylo laughs breathily and runs his hands over Armitage’s chest. Circling Armitage's nipples Kylo kisses the bruise he had bitten into Armitage's throat. 

“You won’t be able to hide this pretty bruise,” Kylo grins. 

“Not that I want that,” Armitage moans and rubs his nose into Kylo’s sweaty hair. “After this we’ll have to shower.” 

“Is that your way of saying I smell?” Kylo whispers. 

“Yeah,” Armitage smirks.

“You dumb bitch,” Kylo says and kisses Armitage’s chin. 

“Why don’t you make me a lil more sweaty?” Armitage asks. 

“Anything for my pillow princess,” Kylo smirks. 

Kylo fucks up into Armitage harder and harder while he plays with Armitage’s dick and pinches his nipples. Moaning like a depraved Armitage goes almost limb in Kylo’s arms as he lets the other man do all the work. When he comes he doubles over, yelling as he comes violently. 

“Oh shit,” Armitage gasps. “I can’t… Oh my god.” 

He’s dripping sweat and come onto Kylo’s bed, but the other man doesn’t seem to be fazed by that at all. 

“Armitage,” he whispers. “I’m so close, so close.” 

“I want you to fuck me as hard as you can,” Armitage grinds out between deep, gasping breaths. “Don’t dare to disappoint me!” 

Pushing Armitage down into the bed, Kylo hunches over him. He pulls almost completely out and Armitage braces himself for the next thrust when Kylo smacks Armitage’s ass. Only then he thrusts in and pulls out again. 

After the fifth time Armitage feels like he’s going to pass out from overstimulation. 

But Kylo keeps going, alternating between Armitage’s right and left cheek. Up until Armitage loses patience, half mad with the overload of sensations and clenches down when Kylo pushes in. With a growl he comes and Armitage sighs before falling onto the bed. 

Kylo joins him and almost crushes Armitage. 

“Holy shit,” Armitage pulls his hand out from underneath Kylo’s back. “That was something.” 

“Yeah,” Kylo’s eyes are closed as he speaks. 

“We need to shower.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I got lube up to my ears it seems and you are drenched in sweat.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Can you move.” 

“Yeah,” Kylo grumbles and rolls out of bed.

“Can you carry me?” 

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you want more lol. 
> 
> Thank for reading and giving kudos! If you enjoyed this lil fic, please leave a comment. It might compel the writer to give you more stuff


End file.
